I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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