his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize