Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
