I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
