I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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