Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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