Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
