How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Welp...herpes.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
