I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
