I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
