In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
