Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
