im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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