Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
