I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
