I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
