I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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