I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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