There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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