mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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