Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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