Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
