I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
