i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
