I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
