I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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