The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
