Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
