oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
