he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
