you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?