i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship