last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina