they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
