I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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