you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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