Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
