last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
