I'd wear matching sweaters with you
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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