Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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