I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
