I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
