I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
