She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
