Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
