My room smells like vodka and shame
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
