my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
