Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
