I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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