This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
