I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
