I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
