I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
