I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
