I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
