I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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