Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
