I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
