i already hear my dad disowning me
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
