a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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